I still have a long way to go. . .

[silver_fox_ninja]

 

I have come to realize that there are problems out there that should never be solved. For instance, nightmares are an enigma to me and I still try to analise them, but it seems to me that it's the best tool that I have at the moment. I have manged to successfuly keep them at bay for about three years now.

There is another issue that needs some much needed attention. I can't seem to trust psychoanalists. The last thee times that I have gone to them, each one diagnosed me differently. One said that I had bipolar, another said that I was suffering from depression and the other stated that I had schizophrenia because of the auditory hallucinations. I laughed at them all. For one, I know that I don't have bipolar because I don't experience the mood swings and I never have, except when I don't have my caffine or cigarettes. I know I don't have schizophrenia because I don't have the hallucinations that dibilitate me. And I know that I don't have depression because it's not a constant thing.

I was dignosed with PTSD when I was 22. The issues that surround the cause is something of a rather personal nature, but to those that are reading this, I don't want you to think that I'm insane, but rather cautious and aware of what is going on. Think of it as a tool of understanding.

When I was 13, I was abducted and sadamised by a person that has done this act repeatedly. I have an aversion towards sadamy in ways that makes me ill. I won't go into details, but I'll be as polite as I can. No one in the world should have to face what I have. Talking about it makes it easier for me to move forward. I have kept it bottled up for so long that it began to eat at me like a cancer. Talking to strangers about it makes them think that I am strange, so that is out of the question.

To give you a brief on the effects of PTSD, it's something that can cause a person to loose touch with reality in a way that it causes them and myself to shut off from the rest of the world that brings us pain. It's a deep rooted fear of reliving the experience over and over again without provocation. It can be brought on by a phrase, a word, a sight, a smell and even a sound or a series of sounds or a combination of them all. It's easily misdiagnosed and very hard to treat. Most psycholgsts can't pinpoint it because it can easily be seen as bipolar, or even a phobia. Most of the time, they view it as a schizo-effective disorder, which in some cases, it is. It can even piggy-back on another disorder and if that happens, it's even worse. I was diagnosed with biploar type 2, which is a combination of all three. The bipolar, the schizophrenia and the PTSD. I was treated for all three as well and it worked. 

I underwent a treatment known as EMDR, which is a kind of hypnotherapy that helps dramtically reduce the symptoms. It's an effective treatment and it requires a lot of time to undergo. Since it's been 3 years now since the treatment, there is another symptom of the PTSD that reared it's ugly head about a week ago. I have to conquer this fear of rejection in order for me to move ahead. 

Anyway, I don't believe that it's debilitated me to the point of not moving on, but it certainly has put me in a spot that makes living difficult. 

I appreciate all those that have supported me and I appreciate the fact that I can still do the things that I enjoy. That much is certain. XD

Comments

Love

[biortine.livejournal.com]

You are a strong person, Kiddo, and I am proud of you. I want you to know that. It takes guts to go what you went through; I just wish I could have done more to help you.

I love you.

Re: Love

[silverfoxninja.livejournal.com]

Ah, I'm not too worried about it. What's done is done. I'm just glad that there are people out there that care, which is a bonus. I have made some friends, even though I will probably never see their faces, but the thoughts are there.

PTSD is an issue that's going to be life long. I have great support from you, Dad, Pearl and Pete. I have done many things to keep me from thinking about it too much, which helps me stay in check. Thanks for the thoughts.